The Truth About Trads

I read this morning about the trials of being a “trad wife.” The idea is that there was once a land where men were breadwinners and women were at home, growing wheat, winnowing it, beating it into flour, and baking bread while wearing cute aprons over designer dresses all while suckling a child. Men “handled” the money, and wives were submissive to the man’s every whim.

The problem with this is that it is a false idea.  That world never existed. Like so many things in the 2020s, it is a vapor, a mist of misrepresented times, places, and people. In the view from this false past, my grandmother would have been their idol. She planted a garden, canned the food, raised four children, and, yes, wore aprons.

Key a record scratch.

Those aprons? They were to keep her house dress clean. She did not wear house dresses from the House of Worth.  They more likely came from the Sears and Roebuck Catalog.  And my grandmother, as most “trads” of her time, had a few dresses that hung on nails, with one “good” dress on a hanger for church and funerals. Aprons had a purpose. Today’s “trad” has a washer/dryer and many clothing choices.  When you had few dresses and had to wash those in a wringer washer and two rinse tubs, keeping them clean and presentable mattered. I haven’t seen a clothesline in a while, so I assume our newly minted “trads” are not leaving the second rinse to hang the clothes on the line or do anything the more labor-intensive way it had to be done back then. But the new trads have money. That, too, has changed.

When it came to money management, there wasn’t any to manage.  The idea of today, where there is money for the home, the car, the vacations, for anything and everything, did not exist. Whatever money there was went for things that were needed. You could not raise sugar cane in your garden, so sugar was a necessary buy. You had to have seeds if you wanted plants, so seeds were a necessary buy. Whether you asked my grandfather or grandmother, money was for the things that were needful. Even if you fast forward to my parents or to me, money was a family affair.  The idea of some macho man giving the little woman her grocery funds made no sense then, nor does it make sense now. As a matter of fact, my great-grandmother was a dressmaker.  My grandmother sold eggs.  Women were never just stay-at-home mice. My own mother worked in many jobs and was asked to run for state representative. 

I should also address the “submission” nonsense.  Submission is not what “trads” think. My grandfather went off to the fields each day. My grandmother had no pager, phone, or megaphone. If she waited for him to tell her what to do, she might as well have laid down and died. Submission is a form of humbleness. As man is humble before God, he begins to understand that this is a role of responsibility and help. As early as Abraham in the Old Testament—and submission is a biblical subject—God told Abraham to “harken to your wife.”  Her maid was making her life miserable, God expected her husband to recognize that and do something! She made a mistake in giving her maid to her husband to have a child, but her husband needed to see that his role was protector and friend. The trad wife submission playbook comes from Puritanical thinking that long ago changed what it means to be in a leadership role.  Anyone who has seen or read “Oliver” has seen how this role played out. Harsh men meted sparse food to orphans, people went to debtor’s prison, and husbands kept a firm hand on the little woman.  This was never meant to be when submission began.  After Cain killed Abel, one would expect a record of a God who smashes Cain with an iron hand. Instead, God talks with Cain and they work out a way for the punishment to be served. Put that in your submission contract. God worked with a murderer. Cain spoke up.  Wives and husbands have conversations. Protectors work and provide.  They are kind and humble. It is not “their” money as provider. If that is their role, their money is there for the good of the family 

Everyone thought my grandmother was a traditional wife.  Everyone.  My mother thought for many, many years that her mother was too humble.  My grandfather grew up poor and he always feared someone would come along and snatch his wife away with their money and elan. Seeing that, my grandmother was careful with his ego. My parents were two firey people with the ability to make their wishes known.  But my grandmother seldom raised her voice. Then, when her children were raised, she wanted to go and work at the general store up the road.  Mother was sure her father would squash that, his jealousy coming before all other considerations. But before we could turn around in the floor, my grandmother was watching over the hot dog cooker and ringing up sales. She had proven herself worthy of trust. She cared deeply for my grandfather’s fears; he cared that she would have conversation and freedom when she needed it. That, folks, is a real trad marriage. 

The current fad with all of this will run its course. When it stops getting enough “likes” and followers, it will die its natural death.  But in the meantime, just know that it does not reflect the strong, capable women who grew the children in their wombs to give us the future that allows for so much ease we can play foolish games.