Who is Taking Care of You?

When my girls were small, and eager to grow up, I would tell them “The difference between a child and an adult is that an adult does not need someone to tell her to do the things. An adult is able to tell herself: now it is time to get up for school, or work. Now it is time to do my laundry. Now it is time to eat something healthy. Now it is time to get some rest.” Adults do not have their mothers around to tell them these things; they must tell themselves. Or, as the meme would have it: being an adult means having the we have food at home conversation with yourself.

My girls have made it; they are both young adults now, increasingly skilled at managing their own lives. Not all the time—adulthood is new for both of them—but most of the time. I have one who still struggles with getting out of bed on her own, and one who struggles with reminding herself to eat regularly, but mostly they’re adulting pretty well.

So, what do I say to them now? How do you transition from being the person who is responsible for making sure that everyone is up and dressed and fed and off to school and fed (again) and bathed and well rested, to being the person who supports these new-minted adults in fending for themselves? What do they most need to hear?

I don’t know that I have all of the answers, but I can tell you where I’ve landed at the moment. What I want them to do now is to care for themselves like I would care for them, if that was still my job. So what I say to them now, whenever we part, is “Take care of my girl. I love her.” Because that’s up to them, now. That’s not my job anymore, not directly. Not fully. Now, that job is theirs. And I want them to do it with as much care, as much thoughtfulness, as much love and as much effort as I put into it, every day, until they were grown.

Take care of yourself like I would.

Because I love you.

How much better care would each of us take of ourselves, if we stepped out of ourselves for just a moment, and looked at ourselves through the eyes of someone who loves us? What would we do differently? What would we do better?

Who is the person in your life who cares the most about you? Is it your mom, or dad? Is it a spouse, or a sibling? Perhaps a child? If you asked that person what you need to do to care for yourself better—what they would do for you, if they could—what would they say? If there’s no one who comes to mind as the person who cares for you, well, maybe it’s time to step into that role for yourself—the role of caring adult—and say, “I love you, and I want to take care of you, because I love you.”

“You need to put down your phone, turn off the television, and get some sleep.”

“You need to eat—something healthy, not the drive-thru again.”

“You need to put some distance between yourself and that unhealthy relationship. You really do.”

“You need to go for a walk and get some sunshine.”

“You need to take your medication.”

“You need to go to the doctor and get that looked at.”

The internet calls this self-care, but the internet often seems confused about what, exactly, self-care is. The internet often describes self-care as some form of recreational activity. Take a vacation. Go to a spa. Have a GNO. These are not bad things, but sometimes these are not realistic or accessible things, and they are not necessarily the place where someone who is caring for you would begin. Someone who is caring for you—someone functional, I mean; someone who has the physical and emotional resources to properly care for another—would begin with very basic things like food and rest. The way a mom does for her small children. The way God did for Elijah in the wilderness, when he protected the prophet from a murderous queen; fed him; gave him a chance to rest; and told him he wasn’t alone (1 Kings 19).

So, if you’re struggling right now with the whole adulting thing, here’s my advice: try to see yourself through the eyes of that person who loves you; that person who wants to make sure that you have clean laundry and a hot bath and a good night’s rest, and ask yourself, How can I take care of myself like this person would take care of me? What would they do for me right now?  

And then take care of yourself. Because someone loves you.