Congratulations from the FAFSA Lottery

Congratulations, Parent of a College Student! Here is your FAFSA award letter!

Based on our calculations, your adjusted annual income is: $7.52

Based on your adjusted annual income, we calculate that you should be able to contribute the following amount to your student’s college expenses: $27,421.68

Based on your income and expected contribution, we are pleased to offer financial aid in the amount of: $5,000 per month in loans, at an average APR of 35%.

We wish your student success in college and in life! Thanks for playing the FAFSA lottery! We have some lovely parting gifts for you! MAKE SURE THAT YOU PICK UP YOUR PARTING GIFTS ON THE WAY OUT! You do not want to miss out on:

***AN IRS AUDIT***

Just so you and we can be sure that you are not lying about your income!

***A BOX OF TISSUES***

Based on feedback from many parents who have played the lottery before you, we understand that crying in their beer is a favorite hobby of previous players. Our apologies; due to budget cuts, we can no longer include the beer. You’ll have to BYO.

***A SIX-MONTH SUPPLY OF ESKETAMINE***

This relatively new antidepressant from Janssen Pharmaceuticals (maker of the Fentanyl patch! Which is completely harmless when used as prescribed (see note*)) can help to treat your completely inexplicable depression! Sponsored by Janssen Pharmaceuticals: “Proudly Fostering Chemical Dependency Since 1953!”

***A VINTAGE BARREL, WITH SUSPENDER STRAPS***

Because we know you’ll want something fashionable to wear to your student’s college graduation!

*Note: Janssen Pharmaceuticals is in no way responsible for the irresponsible use of prescription medications that has lead to America’s opioid epidemic. Pinky swear.