You Talk Too Much
When my son was a teenager, I learned that he had been using my word processor to read my letters to my best friend. When I expressed shock, he said, “It’s how I know what is going on.” After thinking it through, I decided I could live with him wanting to have a more in-depth knowledge of the workings of our home. He did not discuss what he read, it was just informational. Now, of course, we have social media and everybody knows the inner workings of everybody else much more than they ever have.
This desire to be in the know is human. The desire to not want everyone to be in the know comes and goes with each individual. Some do not want anyone knowing anything, others overshare to the point you are quite done with it. My grandmother listened in on the ear piece of her wooden wall phone. Given that her town was a population of 125 people, you have to wonder what it was she feared she would miss.
As listeners, we need to mind our manners and not gossip. As sharers, we need to mind our manners and not overshare.
When my children were in school, I was often shocked at what parents would share about their children when gathered in large groups. Children deserve a certain amount of discretion in what is blurted out of a parent’s mouth. If your child is three years old, you may say, “We are having trouble with potty training.” If he is fifteen years old, you should not say, “He had trouble with potty training.” Often, I did not see that kindness extended from parent to child. And, of course, as a child ages, you need to learn that correction is in the home. A small child only connects discipline that is swift to his misbehavior. An older child, and definitely a teenager, can usually wait until a discussion can be had away from others. Think of it this way: when you yell in public the young person believes you are getting your feedback from the public.
“Okay, okay! I heard you!” he says. “Okay, okay, you let the world know how bad I am—we are done here,” he is thinking.
Youngsters understand what grown-ups sometimes miss. If the fulfillment is in attention from those around you, the conversation is over. If you really wanted to talk to them, you’d have the good sense to engage them in private. Public discipline of teenagers is a way to shoot yourself in the foot. It misses the mark nearly every time. The only exception is when the discipline must be immediate. One of my children misspoke to an older person. I pulled her out of the building and said, “You do not talk to older people like that.” I could not wait until she was finished because she needed to stop immediately and rethink her actions. But you can, generally, go to the side to discuss things.
Back in the adult world, we need to not be oversharers of our lives. It may seem like you are holding an audience wherever you go, but your constant crisis mode is doing you, and your long suffering listeners, no good. I had a cousin who would come in from out of town and victimize every person she came to with her long list of woes. This person said this, and that person said that, and she was being attacked from all sides and she was so nervous and lived her life near tears or in them, and on and on and on. I avoided her. Others were not as fortunate. If gossiping about others is wrong, you may want to reconsider gossiping about yourself. We were at a funeral, where the proper thing to do is express sympathy and tell a nice story about the deceased. If you need mental health care go and get it so you can act appropriately in public.
Life is not a soap opera and you are not the star of it. The reason oversharers need new crowds for their tales of woe is the old crowds thin quickly. There is a reason gossip is wrong. My grandmother hadn’t a clue about what it was doing to her. She learned, on her party line, who was doing what. Ever after that, she would say, “Well, that’s no worse than so and so.” If she had not known so and so’s worst, she might have applied herself to fixing her problems, not just calling up something she thought was worse so she could do nothing. Her weakness for gossip made her weak. It will do the same in you.
In the end it is like an argument my father once had with his boss. If my father saw something wrong, he was going to bring it up and try and fix it. His boss had a back-door approach to problems. They ended their different approaches with his bosses’ declaration, “If they ever have a class in how to keep your mouth shut; you take it; I’ll pay for it!” We all need to stop, from time to time, and consider whether or not we could use such a course.